Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don’t have nothing to do with you new friend ~ Erykah Badu
~~ interesting title huh?
Can I be transparent for this post? Yes!
Okay, here it goes….
Here’s my disclaimer: I am not a jealous/envious person. When I say I’m happy for someone, I really am. If I’m not, I won’t say anything.
But here’s my dilemma.
Whenever I hear that someone is preggo, I lose my freaking mind! I swear I can’t sleep at night, it consumes my thoughts. I analyze their life, using whatever information I’m privy too, to try to determine; why them and not me.
Over the weekend, a relative told me that she was expecting. (This is the 2nd relative in about 4months or so). In both cases, the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are a bit chaotic, but even if their circumstances were ideal (happy family, finances in order, both mom/dad to be wanting the child) I would still feel this way.
I know that everything happens according to God’s will. I know that, when it’s my time, it will happen. I know that delayed does not mean denied.
But dammit, I am human and I swear, every month I see my cycle, I feel let down.
I truly have to pray, “Lord, I know you have a plan for us, and when it’s time we will be blessed” I have to ask ” Lord forgive me for being jealous, envious, and just a little bit bitter”.
And after a couple of months pass, I accept the fact that it’s not me, but them.
And then I turn into super friend/cousin/sister and happily share in expectancy of new life.
Until then, I stay away, I avoid communication, b/c I don’t ever want my jealousy to flare up, and show. I don’t want them to know that it hurts me to my core to see their bodies as they transform to accommodate their growing child. I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable around me b/c they want to spare my feelings.
When people ask why we haven’t had kids, I usually respond “we’re not ready” or “we still have a few things we want to do before we have kids and they take over, lol” or something along those lines. When in fact, we are ready and would love to have kids taking over.
Oh well, it is what it is.
I’ll be okay in a few weeks.
Until then Operation: greeneyes/deepcover is in full effect! Lol
Happy Monday to ya!