2009 has been an interesting year, to say the least… for me its been all about transition and adjusting to change. I will always be the 1st to say I don’t like change, but I understand the necessity of it.
In circumstances that I know I have Zero control over, its easier for me to accept the change. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, stepping outside of my bubble to consider how my actions affect people… that’s been a hard pill to swallow. And I’ve been known to bite my nose to spite my face. Not saying I’m proud of it.. but it is what it is.
This post could end up like the other 15 blogs I’ve written in the past 2 weeks, PRIVATE. For my eyes only.
These post have run the gamut, from “come to jesus”, “woe is me”, “its not me, its them”, “sigh, okay maybe it IS me”, “dang, this shyt AGAIN”, “2 steps forward 5 steps back”, “you know what?! I don’t give a fuck anymore”, ” imma do me… love it or hate it”, ” Why me, Lord?”, “Why NOT me, Lord”…
And now I’ve stopped fighting. I’ve put God back where he is suppose to be, where I KNOW he is sposed to be…at the head of my life. And wouldn’t you know it, things fall into place.
God is faithful. Period. Like he NEVER leaves. He just waits for you to get ya mind right, and when u come back all defeated and stuff… he NEVER rubs it in your face…or says I told you so… he just takes you in his arms and makes it all better.
This year the transitions have been swift and sudden. One blow after the other. Blows so hard and frequent that I couldn’t brace myself for the next hit. Just under attack. (Sometimes rushing head first into harms way)
Loss my job
Loss a baby
Loss my house
Loss my self confidence
Questioned my self worth
Forgot who I was.. just unsure of my identity
Getting into it with my husband, to the point he was about to start looking for a place to stay.
Getting into with my best girlfriend. To the point I was ready to say fuck friends. Don’t want them or the drama.
It’s been rough. Sooo rough.
He’s sooo faithful. His grace and mercy are sufficient. He keeps me. He has kept me. He will continue to make a way.
Funny how you get so caught up in what’s happening and the arguments and the bill collectors, wanting to appear strong… that you don’t realize that this isn’t the 1st time you’ve fought with people you love. It’s not the first time you loss “stuff”. It’s not the first time you been under attack.
God is standing there saying… I’m the same. I haven’t changed. I brought you through THEN. I’m here, waiting for you to trust me to bring you through NOW.
Duuuude, just like that….
Get my priorities in order… God 1st… everything falls in place…
Things become clearer.
I know WHO I am. I know what I’m worth. I believe in my abilities.
2009 was tough. Full of change, full of transition. Lots of tears shed. But God has been faithful.
I wake up with a renewed sense of purpose. Determined to make each day better than the next. Will I make mistakes? Yes, but everyday is another chance to get it right